And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
