last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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