If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
