Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
