She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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