As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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