So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
