My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
