you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
