So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
