I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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