I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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