So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
