me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
