I am puke
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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