Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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