awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
