you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
