What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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