That's intense
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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