i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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