I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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