you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
