In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
should my penis look like a turkey
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
