At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
