Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
