Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
