So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
