I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
