He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize
