Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
