Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am available for nakedness
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
