so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
