My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
