I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
