nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
