Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize