Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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