But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
