Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
