I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
