That's when you crack a 10am beer
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I AM VODKA MAN
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
