considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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