my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
