Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
