so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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