Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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