A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
