and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
