the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
