i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
