I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
