I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
