We won't sleep together?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
