The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
