I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
