Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
