I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
