thus making me awesome and them whores
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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