I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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