I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
